So now that the last craft market is a week behind me I have been given a lot more time to just be with myself and think. It was a reality hit. I have been both very sad and very happy in the past week.
I had a scan to check on my bizarre ovary mass which they are now calling a cyst and wanted to take out. After waiting for 45 min in the waiting room we got called into a room with an African male doctor we had never met, who told me that it was a cyst that hadn’t reduced in size since last time, my tumour markers were back to normal and that they probably want to just keep an eye on me and do another scan in three months. He then went to double check his plan with some consultants and came back saying actually they want to take it out. I asked if I had a choice of no surgery, he said yes it’s your body you can do what you like with it, we’ll check it in 4-6 weeks, back he went to check with the consultants and they said if I was going to refuse surgery they would do another scan in a few months. It was a bit disconserting to say the least. It also made me miss the lovely doctors I had when I was last in the hospital. Afterwards talking to Harry about the exchange he put it down to a cultural difference and I agreed but I think it was down to a cultural difference between nurses and doctors not Australians and Africans.
In any case I’m glad my tumour markers are back to normal. I have also been doing some pretty heavy grieving for our lost baby. I hurts a lot. It was a death of potential. The worst thing is thinking about everything that the baby could have been or imagining what its tiny ears or nose would have looked like. Imagining the joy of watching Harry fall instantly in love with our baby the moment he sets eyes on it. That’s the worst bit. It makes me broody and want to be pregnant again but it’s mainly the loss of that baby rather than a desire to have a baby right now. If I did get pregnant right now we couldn’t build our dream of becoming full time farmers because I would be to vomity to help. We couldn’t go to India to see Harry’s family next year, at least not very easily.
So I miss our baby but I’m going to have to wait a little bit longer to experience those longed for moments.